The next morning, I woke up before Eli and Santos so I tried to make breakfast. I knew how to cook a couple things, so I made a plate of grilled cheeses and brought a plate of them to the living room.
When I got back, Eli and Santos were awake, so I made sure to offer Eli a sandwich first. Maybe I should have stood up for Santos more, but I really didn’t want Eli to cause any sort of scene. He sort of grunted and grabbed a couple sandwiches. I think we both realized right then how much we would miss my mom’s cooking cause he just sat there looking at the sandwiches shaking in his hand and I got a lump in my throat. Santos took a couple sandwiches off the plate and said thank you, and Eli looked up. “Thank you, Ben.” I don’t think I ever heard him say that before.
After he took a couple bites, Eli mentioned the hospital called and he got the funeral worked out for Thursday. I had never seen Eli like this. I figured this would really make him upset. But he sat there on the floor eating a grilled cheese being as polite and kind as I ever saw.
When the doorbell rang, Eli just sat there staring at the wall. I ended up answering the door, and it was our old pastor. I guess the funeral home told him we could probably use a visit. I invited him in, and he sat on Eli’s brown stained chair. I sat back on the floor with Eli and Santos to finish breakfast. My mom always said to offer food if someone visits you. I realized we were just sitting there eating grilled cheese, so I held the plate with a couple leftover sandwiches toward the pastor. He shook his head, which was probably smart. I’m really not a good cook.
“Elijah, what d’ya say we chat for a bit?” I figured this was his way of asking me and Santos to leave, so I stood up and pointed down the hallway. Santos followed. We went back to our room and just sat on the bed and stared at the wall.
I wondered what the pastor was telling Eli. I wondered if Eli blamed himself. My mom used to say he just couldn’t help himself. That I guess he had a kind soul but they didn’t raise him all the way right. I guess I knew Eli was like that. If I’d stopped him from hitting her that stupid night I wonder if my mom would still be here.
I guess I sat there thinking for a long time, cause Santos tapped my shoulder. He was holding the dictionary and had written a lot of words down. “Do sucicides go to hell?” he asked.
“Not my mom.” I just shook my head. I remembered hearing something about that in church but I figured if I hoped enough it wouldn’t be true.
“I think she is in heaven.”
I felt a lot better after Santos said that. I nodded and started crying and he held out his arms. I started thinking about the city in heaven. I figured my mom was there already. There was Jesus at the pearly gates just giving her a big hug. Just letting her cry on his shoulder, telling her it was okay, she’s safe now. I know that sounds silly, but it really made me feel a lot better.
We both jumped when we heard Eli shouting, “Don’t you ever set foot in my house again.” When we heard Eli’s footsteps coming down the hall, Santos looked like he saw a ghost. Please don’t hit us, was all I could think.
Then he knocked at the door. He hadn’t ever knocked before. I told him to come in.
Eli opened the door with his face all red, and I tensed up. Then I noticed his eyes were red too.
“Doing okay?” I asked, but I didn’t know what to say.
Eli started sobbing. I think Santos started getting uncomfortable cause he slid out the door behind Eli. I motioned next to me on the bed and Eli sat by me. He just sat there trying to catch his breath for a while. Then he asked me if on Sunday he could go to the new church with us. I said sure and asked why.
“He said he’d pray for us cause people who commit suicide usually go to hell. I said that can’t be right. Your mom was a beautiful person. If anyone should go to heaven…”
He started crying bad enough he couldn’t talk, so I just put an arm around him. “She sure was amazing.”
He caught his breath. “We sure as hell didn’t deserve her.”
“Yeah, we’ll sure miss her,” I sighed. I was holding it together but saying that seemed to make it real. I started crying, and Eli held his arms out. That was the only time in my life I think I hugged my dad.
We somehow managed to stop crying and Santos brought two plates of food in. I guess he found some food in the pantry and made us lunch. I said thank you, and Santos started to walk back to the kitchen. Eli got up and followed him, so I followed too. The three of us sat at the kitchen table and ate dinner.
It was nice to have Santos at the table with us. It at least made us slow down and make sure he understood what we were saying. It looked like Eli was nervous every time he talked to Santos, like Santos was gonna get upset or something.