This is the worst part of the whole story. I know I said I don’t like when writers build up like this, but I think you need to know it’s fucking awful. I’m sitting here bawling just trying to figure out how to write about it.
Santos and I finished our work for the day and went inside. I guess Eli was running an errand. And when I shouted for my mom she didn’t answer. I figured she was probably in the bathroom, so we showered and changed like we usually did. I hollered for my mom again, and she didn’t respond. We started to look for her, and she was laying on her bed. Please just be napping, I thought.
I was shaking pretty bad, so I tried to tap her shoulder and I hit her in the face instead. It felt really warm and she wasn’t waking up. I picked up the phone from next to the bed and dialed 911.
A kind sounding woman answered. “What’s the location of your emergency?” She had the kind of voice where you felt like you could tell her anything.
I gave her our address and said to send an ambulance fast, since my mom was unconscious.
“Do you know what happened?”
I said no, I just found her in her room.
“Look around the room, is there anything she might have eaten or drunk, maybe choked on?”
There was a bottle of weed killer next to the bed. I told her about it, and she had me read the ingredients. I would never wish that on my worst enemy. Sitting there, trying to pronounce the ingredients on a bottle of weed killer while the lady on the other end just sighs.
“Do you know how to perform CPR?”
I told her I learned in Scouts once but didn’t really remember. She said he’d walk me through it, and I did CPR while Santos went outside to tell the paramedics where to go.
We rode to the hospital, and the people in the ambulance seemed really panicked. They had 2 paramedics in the back and told me to ride in the front. I just heard lots of shouting. We’re losing her, fuck fuck fuck, that kind of shouting. The driver was trying to make me feel better all the way to the hospital. It didn’t work.
When we got to the hospital, they had me sit in the waiting room for a while. “It’s not pretty, it would be better to wait here,” is what a nurse told me. “Heaven forbid, this isn’t what you want your last memory of your mom to look like.
The doctor came out of the door they took my mom in. He sat next to me, and my heart sunk.
“Benjamin?”
I tried to respond but the lump in my throat didn’t let me. I nodded and pretended to keep a straight face.
“I have some bad news. Your mom has passed away. We tried to save her but it was too late.”
They always show people in the movies having time to get a big group of family and pray in the waiting room and talk. They show people bringing flowers and balloons, and being so hopeful. I didn’t even have a shot at hope. Just a long ambulance ride and a lousy doctor telling you that you didn’t get her there in time.
“Is there anyone you’d like us to call?”
I figured Eli would come unglued, and some doctor who just watched my mom die didn’t deserve that. So I shook my head no. The lump was still there but I couldn’t even cry. I just stared at the wall. It was some stupid light blue color like they always have in hospitals. There were some stupid fake plants next to the desk. The doctor just sat there in stupid green scrubs, just looking at me. Had a stupid bright pink bandana on his head. Probably put it on that morning thinking it would make someone laugh.
He made the most pathetic face. Just like the one Jacob’s mom made except I think he really just didn’t want to be there.
I got up and asked the secretary for the phone. I think it took me an hour to finish dialing Eli’s cell number.
“Dad, it’s mom. She’s dead. We’re at the hospital.”
The phone was silent. I wanted to ask him to tell Santos, but even more than that I didn’t want to remind him Santos even existed in case he was angry.
“They said you can come see her if you want, but they said she’s pretty bad.”
I was ready to cry. It felt like my whole body was ready to cry, and I just couldn’t. Like my brain was telling me I had to look strong or something. Not that anyone there needed me to be strong. They all got to go home to their stupid fucking loving families after work. I should have cried. I should have done something, anything.
“I saw the note. Just take care of it. See you tonight.” He hung up halfway through “tonight”. That was when I learned there was a note. That was how I learned my mom killed herself. On purpose.
I asked a nurse if I could see her, and she walked me down a narrow hallway. You could hear a few of those heart machines beeping pretty loud. The lights got really bright, and I started feeling scared like I never had before. My stomach was in knots. My heart was beating so fast I could feel it in my forehead. I don’t know what got into me but when the nurse said it was the next room I turned around and started running.
I ran and ran and ran. I think I stopped to puke a couple times, but I ran all the way until I was at Mrs. Glass’s house. I must have run for a couple hours. I didn’t even want to go there, but that’s where I ended up. I figured she needed to know, so I rang her doorbell.
She only got the door about an inch open when I screamed “She’s fucking dead!” I guess someone already told her, cause she swung the door open and gave me a hug. She didn’t even make that pathetic face at me. Just right away gave me a hug. I hugged her right back, too.
I couldn’t really stand, so she helped me onto her porch swing. I just sat there in her arms like a little kid. And she just sat there crying and holding me.
“You probably think you’re a man so you’re not supposed to cry,” she said after a few minutes. “But that’s bullshit. Come inside and have yourself a good cry. I’ll be right back.” I sat on the horrible orange couch. It felt even scratchier than usual. I sat down and caught my breath. I couldn’t believe I had run as far as I had. I must’ve been too upset to cry. I just couldn’t believe it happened. I wanted to wake up and realize it was a nightmare.
She came back with a plate of cookies and a pitcher of lemonade. I really wasn’t hungry but I she insisted I needed to eat. She was just looking at a picture of her kids on the wall.
“I always felt like your mom was one of my kids,” she told me. I couldn’t think of how to respond, so I nodded and took a bite of the cookie.
“The hell am I thinking? You need some real food in your state.” She disappeared into the kitchen and I heard her microwave beeping. I started catching my breath and I guess it really started setting in that my mom was dead. The horrible lump stayed right where it was in my throat, and I felt myself start breathing pretty fast.
You hear about kids with dead parents in movies or whatever, but you never think it’ll happen to you. The way Mrs. Glass was taking care of me made me realize I was someone that people felt sorry for. Someone with a bad enough life that someone like Mrs. Glass really cares about you. But she always took care of me and my mom like this. Maybe we were always people who had a hard life.
She walked back in with a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs. I remembered just a few days ago when my mom cried and Santos made eggs, and I guess that was what got me to start crying.
“Good. Now cry like hell until you’ve felt all the feelings you’re gonna feel. There’s lots of em. You’re gonna wanna bottle them up, but feel the damn things.” Mrs. Glass was never one to be delicate.
We talked for a few hours after that. She had me tell her all about my mom, how she was the kindest, best person I ever knew, and how she liked it when I acted goofy, and how we got in a food fight making pickles, and how she always made sure Santos had dinner first. She told me I didn’t need to worry about the future. She even said a prayer, right then between talking. When she started praying I actually started smiling. It felt good to smile. But it was a really nice prayer. When she was done she said don’t worry, that God was gonna take care of me now that my mom was with him. I got chills all up my arms when she said that.
It was pretty dark, so she drove me back to my house. Eli and Santos were sitting across from each other in the living room. They weren’t saying a word, but they both had red eyes with dark circles under them. I just stood there motioning for a hug. We all stood there hugging for a while, and the lump in my throat was there the whole time. We all slept in the living room that night.