We got home from the funeral and it was like a switch flipped. Me and Santos were changing into work clothes cause there was a lot to get done outside. I couldn’t find my key to the barn so I went to ask Eli for the spare.
When I knocked on his door he didn’t answer. When I opened the door, he stood up from his bed and snapped, “What?”
“I just need the spare key to the barn.” I figured he was just having a hard time from the funeral. I noticed I started using the soft voice my mom always used when he got like this. For a split second, I wondered if that voice was the same thing as the stupid face people make when they’re sad for you. No, I thought, the voice sounded afraid. The split second ended and my mind snapped back to reality.
He was damn angry. His face turned that horrible shade of red and he walked right up to me with his hands on his hips. “What do you mean? You lost the other one?”
“I think it’s just…”
He picked me up by the front of my shirt and started shouting. Something about me being irresponsible and how he has to hold the whole farm together or we’d all just destroy it. I don’t really remember what he said. I just remember the horrible shouting.
I don’t know what happened. I started crying and screaming back, and he screamed even louder. It felt like there was a red hot fire inside my guts. For the first time in my life I punched back. Hard. Right in his eye.
I must’ve really surprised him. He threw me out of his bedroom door and slammed it shut right as I fell on my ass in the hall. He kept shouting through the door, and I started running. Even when I finally stood up for myself I was a wuss. I ran all the way into the field, but I started getting pretty lightheaded. I sat down behind a bush and just cried for a few minutes.
It was quiet and it didn’t look like anyone was outside so I laid down. I hadn’t ever prayed before but I’d seen lots of people do it. At church and rodeos and things. I figured if there even was a God this was probably the time to talk to him. There was just one little cloud, so I started talking at it.
“God, I’m angry,” I said. “I’m angry my mom died. I’m angry Eli’s a piece of shit. I didn’t want to talk at a funeral today. I didn’t want any of this.” I heard footsteps and froze. I was sure Eli found me and was about to beat me or something. I let out a huge sigh when I realized it was just Santos.
I started standing, and he said to stop and he sat next to me. He was holding his dictionary. His English was getting really good but he still needed help with a lot of words. “I’m sorry,” he said.
This made me mad. Almost as mad as before when I hit Eli. I took a page from Mrs. Glass’s book. “The hell you sorry about?” I snapped at him.
“I’m sorry that you are sad.”
“Stop that, you have nothing to be sorry about. This was bad for you too.”
He looked at the ground for a minute. “Why are you here?”
I told him I was just upset and needed some fresh air. He said he already finished the work for the day. He asked if he could get fresh air with me, and I nodded at the ground next to me, where he sat down.
Looking up at the sky, there was one cloud floating over us. It looked like a soft pillow, flat and super white. I wondered if that was where Mom was. I hope not. She wouldn’t be happy to hear I hit back.