Mrs. Glass came back to the house so I went back to the living room. They were sat on all the other chairs but I couldn’t sit in Eli’s stained brown chair. I sat on the floor across from everyone.
Mrs. Glass started talking like a lawyer and I couldn’t focus. It was something about how she was in charge of Eli’s will and she got to decide how to deal with my custody. She asked if I could move in with Jacob for a while and we all said that would be OK. Something about how since I was almost 18 it would be fine. She talked about plans for Eli’s funeral and I didn’t really care to remember them. I figured Jacob’s mom would just take us when it was time.
She asked what I wanted to do with the farm.
“Sell the damn thing. I can’t be here,” I said.
She said something about how I can have the money from it when I’m 18. Said my mom put that line in the will. Man, I miss her.
I packed a bag with things I’d need for a few days and we went back to Jacob’s house. The lump was back in my throat driving away.
Sunday came around again and Jacob’s mom took us to church. His dad had been on a business trip out of the state for a few days, some kind of conference or something.
I didn’t understand most of the sermon. I wasn’t trying really hard though. I was pretty angry at God. Still am, really. Guess it’s better to be angry at him than think he doesn’t even exist though.
After church the pastor came over to the bench we were sitting at. She asked if I wanted to talk.
I said sure and we went to her office. It was just a white room with a big ugly wood desk right in the middle. The old pastor had a really nice office.
“I bet you’ve had a lot on your mind,” she said.
I didn’t know how to respond, so I just nodded and looked down at the carpet. It was that ugly blue carpet they always put in churches and schools.
“What’s your relationship with God looking like right now?”
I didn’t expect a question like that. “Guess I’m angry at him. Wouldn’t you be?”
She sighed and nodded. I could tell she didn’t know what to say. What the hell do you say to someone like me?
It was quiet for a while, so I asked, “Something’s been bugging me. Can I ask something?”
“Of course.” She seemed relieved I was leading the conversation.
“What made Eli the way he was?”
“I didn’t know him very well, but I heard he was pretty rough around the edges, is that right?”
“That’s a nice way to say it, yeah.”
She told me one of the most upsetting things I ever heard. She said sometimes people like Eli grow up in homes where they learn to be unkind. Where parents aren’t as kind as they should be. That maybe that made Eli think it was OK to act like he did. She was really kind and gentle about it though so it didn’t hurt as bad until I thought about it for a second.
“Does that mean… I can turn out like Eli since he was my dad?”
She sighed. “We all control our actions and make choices. Eli chose to use that gift for evil, but you can choose to use it for good.”
I took a second to think. “Do you think I’m a good person?”
She looked like she was going to cry. I don’t know why, I just asked her a question. “Ben, do you know how much God loves you?”
I told her I didn’t want to talk about that. That I couldn’t think about God loving me when he made me Eli’s kid and let Eli treat us like he did. She nodded and said sorry, which was nice. People usually don’t let me have my way when they want to talk about God.
I asked about Santos. Told her he used to be in gangs and even killed someone. I asked if it was true that if you kill someone that you die.
“That’s a big question, Ben. We don’t really have a lot of those answers. People say a lot of things, but only God knows our hearts. The Bible is full of people who had to go to war or kill other people to protect their families. Maybe Santos’s story is kind of like that.”
That made me feel a little better. “Do you think we all get to go to the city in heaven?”
She told me all she knows is if we try our best to be good people, she thinks God will judge us kindly at the pearly gates. I think that was a nice way to say only some of us do.
I asked what happens to people like my mom and Eli after they die. Would they have to be around each other still?
She told me Eli can’t hurt my mom anymore. She leaned closer and told me he couldn’t hurt me either. It felt good to hear someone say it like that.
She said it was getting late but could I stop in next Sunday after church. I said that sounds good and met Jacob and his mom in the doorway to the church.